Sunday, 23 August 2009

A New Dawn, A new Day...a New Life?

So today marks the 5 year anniversary of my finishing chemotherapy. I have a lot of random thoughts in my head, some of them serious, some of them not so. First impressions are good ones-I have succeeded where very many people have not, but then I think about those who I knew who didn't make it: Hoody, Emma, Tom, Christian, Fliss, Dave, Dan, Karen, Jen and Ian (to name a few)-RIP.

These people deserve to be remembered. And the best way to do that is to live; something I haven't really been doing since 2004. I've been letting my fear own me. Last night, all of these things popped into my head into a massive rush. It occurred to me that I need to make a major shift in my attitude. Firstly, I owe it to the people that didn't make it. Secondly I can't use what happened as some sort of justification for, well, not living my life. So, in the interests of making a fresh start, it's time to get several things off my chest:

1) Until a few moments ago, I was a compulsive liar. I cannot help it-I would make up shit to compensate for the fact that I feel my life is somewhat lacking in interesting experiences. I don't think there is anyone outside of my family who knows the whole truth about me. These lies range from little to absolutely stinking huge ones. But no more lying.

2) I have crippling self confidence problems. I realise that that announcing it on my blog is somewhat paradoxical, but it's true. Outside of my circles of friends I have a total inability to have a relaxed conversation with anyone. Amplify this by 1000 when a cute girl is thrown into the mix, as anyone who saw me completely bottle it last night with the blonde in Jane's Groove (along with any cute girl in Korea thus far, and 90% of cute Newcastle girls) will testify. Despite all the positive reinforcement in the world, this is one thing I just haven't been able to get over yet. This in turn leads to a major inferiority complex, despite the fact that that is the one thing in the world that I *shouldn't* have. I'm very well aware why this is-I have a mental image of me being a morbidly obese, bald, nerdy, awkward 17 year old that I can't shake the hell off no matter how hard I try.

3) I can't figure out how to deal with number 2. And until I do, I'm going to stay the sad-sack drunk in the corner.

Those are the most coherent of my thoughts right now. More will probably come. And, at this junction, I'd like to thank those of you who helped me make sense of these things over a period of weeks, as well as actually listening to my ramblings: Crystal, Jessica, Tara, Joel, Jalice, Krista, Big Dave, Stuart, Jason, Hyun, Amanda and Taylor.

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