Wednesday, 26 August 2009


So in my last post I committed myself to a fresh start; start living life as I ought to, no more depressing BS when I get drunk, to start taking things in my stride.

Great. Sounds great to say it, looks good to read it. But how the hell do I reverse 17 years of fatnerd mental conditioning, topped off with 5 years of self-imposed "cancer boy" stigma?

Well, I've decided that Stage 1 is being more positive. Just in general, I've been selling myself short for too long. It's time that I looked at my positive achievements and lauded them. For example, I have now been living here for damn near 6 months. 6 MONTHS. In the Far East. For a Hartlepool born, Bradford bred guy that isn't bad going.

Stage 2-owning my fear. Everything I do, my brain second guesses it to the point where I bottle it or the opportunity has passed. The thing is that I have become so used to letting my fears own me that I cannot fathom how to live outside of its shadow. It's hard to describe, but its best likened to a blind man trying to find his way through a maze. I am aware that that is a retarded analogy, but it is 2:40 am here.

So Stage 3? I know what it is, but it isn't as easy as just bigging myself up. I need to end my crippling shyness. And fast. I reckon that once my fear is appropriately owned, then this will be relatively simple.

So, as per usual, I am open to comments and suggestions on how to realise my 3 stages. And, as ever, your patience in helping me deal with my own unique brand of mandrama is appreciated.

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